In Clare’s debut book, we follow him on his journey to publication. His friends are all excelling, getting book deals, sometimes hugely lucrative ones, and he’s the only one that doesn’t seem to be succeeding in the craft he has convinced himself is his destiny. As he repeatedly reminds himself and us, he has leaned so heavily into this dream that he really isn’t qualified for anything else. Living with his parents after a relationship breakdown, he descends into a pit of depression, horribly jealous of his friends’ successes and tired of hearing about their latest wins. With a book launch party on the near horizon he gives himself an ultimatum - get a book deal or quit trying. The very fact you’re reading a published book penned by him gives you a clue as to how it will end, but the journey is an interesting one.
In his attempts to break into the seemingly exclusive world of publishing he finds himself heading up a show for Channel 4 in which he has to carry out such ridiculous activities as handing out blank pieces of paper pretending they are promotional material for his book, even to those who might be interested in the book, and practically stalking those with power in the industry. It is cringeworthy stuff but also reveals the vulnerability of those who take part in such endeavours. Desperate to make a name for himself he feels compelled to go along with the schemes, big names feigning interest for the cameras, only to be left out in the cold once the crew have gone home. Later, we see him awkwardly shuffling around the London Book Fair, pretending to be a publisher in the hope of getting at its beating heart. All he really discovers is that the practicalities of the deals are quite boring, and that there are many more deluded authors out there just as desperate for success as him. It sobers him, realising all the passion and enthusiasm in the world doesn’t necessarily mean you will have success.
Indeed, in the many conversations he has with writers, publishers, and TV producers influencing the world to read different books, he doesn’t get the golden nugget he’s seeking to make everything clear to him. Writers talk about how difficult it is, how you can have had many books published but still need a day job, those working in the book industry often seem to have had some aspirations to write themselves, but for many it becomes a burden and they choose to stop pursuing it. Those he imagined to be hard-nosed business people end up being lovely. There is a remarkable amount of generosity with people’s willingness to talk to him and share their experiences. On a more personal level, although retaining his jealousies of his friends for the most part, when he visits them at Edinburgh Fringe he does have a moment of realisation that they’re all working really hard for not much reward, that they’re all on the same journey and there’s nothing wrong with being a few steps behind.
It feels almost unbelievable at times that all his friends are becoming published, that all these bigwigs will give him time to discuss publishing and the author’s journey, that he gets away with some of his more outrageous schemes. He doesn’t shy away from his less admirable moments. He is honest about the shallowness of jealousy, of the feelings of failure, but also acknowledges that he is lucky to have good family and friends, a home, and the luxury to explore his dreams. For any aspiring writers this is a realistic exploration of the struggles of authorship, of the myth of the Big Author, and that sometimes you need honest feedback, not just simpering encouragement.
The main section of the book ends with the launch party, with him having gained some perspective and a greater appreciation for the people around him. It feels like a satisfying ending, and then we are given an epilogue to explain how the book came into being. Curiosity is only vaguely satisfied with this as the matter is dealt with fairly swiftly, the bulk of this final section being a moving account of his final visit to his Pa and a reflection on how brilliant his parents are.
An interesting read by an author who is willing to put his worst face forward in the name of authorial integrity. This honesty makes him relatable; we’ve all had unadmirable thoughts and felt jealous of those who seem to be living the life we want. Many will also relate to the feeling that they’ve found exactly what they want to do with their life, the trouble is getting someone to agree to pay you to spend your days doing it. This is not an aspirational, rags to riches story, but one in which Clare grafts, puts himself in excruciating situations, and is swayed by success away from writing people enjoy to overly pretentious prose which nobody wants to read. It is, in some ways, a coming of age tale for those in the difficult post-graduation years trying to find a path through life.
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