Gender Euphoria, edited by Laura Kate Dale

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This post is part of the blog tour for the book. Thanks to Random Things Tours and Unbound for providing me with a free copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.

This groundbreaking anthology brings together the experiences of non-binary, agender, gender fluid, and intersex writers, focussing on gender euphoria rather than the dysphoria that usually gets the most column inches. The result is a moving, enlightening book that will give you a real insight into the lives of non-cisgender people and the experiences that give them the greatest sense of gender euphoria.

The writers are all fairly young but are from all walks of life with very individual stories to tell. The editor, Laura Kate Dale, contributes a number of essays on her experiences as a pansexual trans woman. The scenarios are different but there’s a connecting theme of joy when the writers learn to love themselves with or without the approval of people around them. Many find freedom in letting go of overtly trying to hide signs of their birth assigned gender - tales of obsessively plucking all facial hair daily, feeling the need to constantly wear feminised clothes regardless of whether they fit the mood or not, give an insight in the constant practical issues that can cause a lot of stress and feelings of restriction. A lot of this arises more from a desire for others to correctly gender them rather than necessarily needing it for their own sense of identity. The reader feels the relief and freedom of reaching a point where going out with a bit of facial hair showing is no longer seen as an insurmountable barrier, and the euphoria that comes with being correctly gendered by others. 

One essay talks of the challenges of being pregnant and breastfeeding, activities that are heavily gendered by society, as a non-binary person. Another speaks of their fear as a trans man getting married that they’d be referred to as a wife during the ceremony, and the joy that came with a celebrant that took the time to understand their concerns and helped make the day a euphoric one.

This is a book that doesn’t shy away from the challenges of those who battle not only their own insecurities but lack of understanding from society more broadly. They write with great honesty about their experiences and sense of isolation, but also of acceptance and finding safe spaces where they’re finally able to feel themselves without fear. It’s a book that will make you smile and make you cry, but most importantly, you’ll close the book with a much greater understanding of the lived experiences of the writers and the little things we can all do to make the world a happier, more accepting place.

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The Heart’s Invisible Furies, John Boyne

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Boyne’s powerful novel takes us on a journey through Ireland from 1945 to 2015 in seven year increments. The book opens with sixteen year old Catherine Goggin being publicly shamed in church for having fallen pregnant out of wedlock. She’s forced to leave her hometown to fend for herself in Dublin while the man responsible experiences no repercussions. Our narrator, Catherine’s baby, is born in the midst of a violent homophobic attack that will sadly be mirrored later in his life. The rest of the book follows Cyril through life, struggling with his sexuality and the unbending, restrictive morals of a country firmly in the grasp of the Catholic Church. We will follow him to Amsterdam and New York, seeing shifting attitudes in other countries while Ireland stubbornly refuses to ease the harsh views and laws that cause misery to many.

The characters are brilliantly drawn. Cyril's adoptive parents, Maude and Charles Avery,  seemingly have no interest in raising a child and remind him constantly that he isn’t ‘a real Avery’. He is fascinated by their relationship growing up, ‘Two people who could not have been more ill-suited to each other’s company had somehow managed to find each other and sustain something resembling a relationship while apparently feeling no interest or affection for the other whatsoever.’ It is hardly surprising then that they don’t treat the latest addition to their family with much more tenderness. Charles shows disregard for his wife, having affairs and never bothering to read the books she writes. Maude has a novel approach to writing, not reading herself, and entirely against being widely read, she is furious when Charles’ run-in with the law push her books up the bestseller lists. 

Catherine appears briefly in many sections throughout, but fleetingly and tantalisingly close to her son without realising it. She proves herself to be strong-willed and loyal, successfully carving out a career for herself in the tea-room of the Dáil Éireann where she was fortunate to meet a woman willing to give her a job while heavily pregnant. There are moments where her sadness over her lost son begins to emerge only for the moment to pass before it can develop into a conversation that might reveal their true identities.

Cyril himself is shy and lacking in confidence as a child and young man. He meets Julian at the age of seven and is blown away by his confidence and sexual knowledge. From the day they first meet, Cyril is drawn to him, his feelings developing over the years to encompass lust and unrequited love. They remain friends for many years but Cyril always keeps his feelings and sexuality to himself, until they come to a dramatic climax that will change their relationship forever.

There’s so much in this novel, but the overarching focus is the changing attitudes to homosexuality and the terrible injustices that law and Church impose. For a long time Cyril believes his feelings for Julian are just a phase, but he is eventually forced to admit that they’re not. He goes to a doctor for help but is told he can’t be a homosexual because there aren’t any in Ireland, before subjecting him to a cruel treatment designed to create negative associations with erotic thoughts of men. Cyril considers killing himself on a number of occasions, denied the opportunity for loving sexual interactions. He has sex with hundreds of men, rarely knowing their real name, and always with a sense of urgency and a fear of being discovered. The idea of taking a man home with him, of having sex in a bed, and spending the night together feels an impossible dream.

By 1980, with his life in Ireland in tatters, we find Cyril living in Amsterdam where he finds a stable partner in a city where they can walk along holding hands without fear of what will happen to them. Jump forward to the late 1980s and New York, where the Aids epidemic is taking hold and shifting attitudes toward fear and hostility. The President refuses to acknowledge what’s happening and Cyril and his friends are removed from a restaurant for discussing the disease. It is a sad step backward, with him noticing that even friends seem uncomfortable with displays of affection between him and Bastiaan. In his role as a volunteer at the hospital we are witness to the isolated deaths of those shunned by family or too afraid to tell them what they’re suffering. The book ends on a slightly more positive note with the successful referendum on legalising same-sex marriage. The final sections are nonetheless heart-wrenching as Cyril nears the end of his life, reflecting on those he’s loved and lost, and repairing relationships at home.

This is a book that deals with some heavy issues and offers far more depth than can ever be conveyed in a short review. Despite the themes and suffering within, there’s also a lot of humour, sometimes revealing a deeper reflection but in a way that will put a smile on your face. This is a book that will keep you up at night reading ‘just one more chapter’ and stay with you for a long time after turning the final page.

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Self Contained: Scenes From A Single Life, Emma John

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In this brutally honest memoir Emma John explores the positives and negatives of living a single life and the challenges of maintaining friendships as people throw themselves into their growing families. It is a meditation on independence and a challenge to the long accepted view that we aren’t complete until we find our soulmate. She does not hold back on her sometimes less complementary feelings, making this a book that I think everyone can relate to in one way or another.

Her relationship with her sister is central, their great affection for each other apparent at every turn, yet she admits to worrying about being left behind, of losing her place as the one her sister would always turn to. The news of an imminent addition to the family also throws her into a spin. She admits to these struggles, but doesn’t run away from the situations, resulting in a much happier outcome than she’d imagined. John raises an interesting idea, that when friends and family get married or have children, her life and role in theirs change without her consent. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and lack of control. She logically understands the shifts but struggles to resist feelings of rejection, of being pushed further out of the circle of loved ones.

Despite these feelings she also admits her own reluctance to engage with some aspects of her friends' lives. She’s never, for example, seen the fascination of babies and doesn’t hide this from the new parents she knows. In her desire for friendships to stay the same she inadvertently puts up barriers. She’s frequently self-deprecating and her honesty is raw, but she seems not to notice her devotion to her friends, stepping up when they’re in need and doing what she can to look after them.

There’s a definite feeling that her life lacks the markers of progress that those around her are hitting and this causes a feeling of stagnation. She tries throwing herself into work but hates knowing when everyone goes home they’re no longer thinking of her, believes that she isn’t the first person anyone would turn to. It’s when she begins to shift her focus from external forms of validation, stops thinking of herself as waiting for her future to begin and follows what makes her happy in the here and now, that she seems to really find her feet. The closing chapters touch on her experience of lockdown and the pandemic more generally, the absence of loneliness and the realisation that she has a solid support network who rely on her too.

This is a brilliant, thought-provoking book that will make you consider the way value is perceived in a life. It is about single life and how this interacts with shifting family dynamics, friendships that stand the test of time, and ultimately learning to accept yourself, setting your own priorities, and living for the present.

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Love and Miss Harris, Peter Maughan

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Titus Llewellyn-Gwynne has fallen on hard times. The Red Lion Theatre was bombed during the war and his backer for a theatrical tour has pulled out. Luckily, George appears with a play that nobody has yet agreed to stage, and, perhaps more importantly, the money to fund it. The Company is soon on tour in an old double decker bus, travelling around the south of England, causing mayhem and unknowingly being followed by Reuben Kramer who has less than savoury intentions for their leading man.

The tone throughout is light and the humour frequently plays with farce. There are potential murders on the horizon but the string of attackers following one step behind each other is more comic than threatening. There are some very unpleasant characters, Kramer especially has a lot to dislike, and yet none inspire any great feelings of hostility.  Reuben is also graced with the most complete backstory, allowing us a glimpse into the life that has formed this somewhat unhinged, power-hungry man. Other characters also fall into a life of crime but have a chance of redemption through art.

The reader is only privy to snippets of the play which we are told is George re-writing her own love story with a happier conclusion. An unexpected consequence of putting on the play is a change in her fortunes. Indeed, it offers opportunity and joy to many involved, taking characters out of London for the first time, and creating a close-knit group that’s not without its internal troubles.

This is a light-hearted read with a lively host of characters who are sometimes difficult to keep track of. Maughan offers enough insight to give a sense of their past and the way it impacts their present. The small towns they visit are found in varying levels of disarray, and variously welcome them with open arms or treat them with suspicion. Rural bureaucracy and gossip is played up and contribute to the humour of the book. This would make a great holiday read and is perfect for anyone looking for some light-hearted entertainment with the occasional moment of sincerity.

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Love and Care, Shaun Deeney

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This post is part of the blog tour for the book. Thanks to Random Things Tours and Endeavour for providing me with a free copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.

Deeney has a habit of running away when things get tough. When his long-term relationship breaks down he takes himself off to France to live the life of a secluded artist. When his mother is moved into a care home and his father’s health deteriorates he realises it might be time to go home and face up to the realities of his family life. He soon makes the decision to have his mother discharged and to look after her full time himself. What follows is a moving account of care with all the pressures and pleasures laid out clearly, with a sense of humour but with a sincerity that makes this a thoughtful read. 

It opens with an emotional punch - him taking his mother to the care home and the feeling of betrayal it instils, leaving her there when she wants to go home, not knowing if she understands what’s happening and why. It highlights the vulnerability and loss of control for those who require constant care and will strike a chord with anyone who’s ever had to make a similarly challenging decision. He promises her he’ll take her home one day, with no idea that it will turn out to be true.

Family relationships had been strained for many years with his father increasingly difficult to be around. He took his frustrations out on his family, but especially his wife, and acted as a gatekeeper, making it difficult for loved ones to see her, or for carers to be able to help. When he dies Deeney admits to feeling elated rather than grief, pleased that he'll be free to take care of his mum. It’s clear that his father has cast a dark shadow over the family, with Deeney particularly butting heads with him repeatedly. In spending more time thinking about their family history he is forced to admit his parents really did love each other, for better or worse, and that there’s a lot of good memories buried beneath the bad.

His decision to become a full time career also reveals the reality of the care system (they continue to have carers visiting several times a day). There is a reluctance from the care home and social services initially, partly because it is so rare, there are concerns over the cost (which evaporate when it’s made clear he intends to be entirely self-funded), and additional suspicion because of his gender. The book highlights the gender imbalance in care work, Deeney commenting that his life became almost entirely composed of women. There’s also discussion that for her son and brother she’d only ever been viewed through the prism of caregiver, that her own personality had been obscured. Despite fears that it might be too late, Deeney searches for who his mother really was.

Despite the heavy topic of the book, Deeney writes with a light touch, adding humour, and at times poking fun at his own naivety going in. Before his mum comes home he plans to start dating and has a strong sense that his life should continue, that one life shouldn’t be sacrificed for the preservation of another. There are challenges that he had not anticipated but he works intuitively, trying to make decisions based on what he would want if the roles were reversed. He in no way diminishes the reality of living with dementia, but can also find glimmers of hope within.

More often, as far as I can tell, her thoughts - far from being tethered to the past - are a rich mix of imagination and the world around her, creating a very layered reality, so much more complex than mine, and somehow more real and less conscious at the same time. Often she puts me in mind if a wild animal, tame and trusting enough to allow me to feed her, but all instinct, pure and even beautiful.

I am tempted to say that it feels to me sometimes that in fact Mum lives in a kind of eternal present, which might seem to make her a prisoner of the moment, and so to our minds diminished in some way. And yet I envy her that unfettered interaction with the world. Most of us fritter our lives away with plans for the future and regrets over the past, undermining the whole notion of living in the present that is central to so many enlightened philosophies.

In caring for his mum he re-evaluates life, meditating on some quite philosophical questions and growing as a person.

This is a brilliant, emotive read that will make you want to hold your loved ones close. It forces consideration of some challenging topics yet manages not to feel too heavy. The writing style is conversational and candid, accepting that mistakes were made but learnt from, and advocating for a less adversarial approach from some professionals. He highlights how dire the situation can be without someone in your corner and appreciates the great compassion and dedication evident in the carers that help him in his journey. 

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WWW Wednesday, 19th May 2021

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The WWW Wednesday book tag is hosted by Taking On a World of Words.

The three Ws are:
What are you currently reading?
What did you recently finish reading?
What do you think you'll read next?

What are you currently reading?

I'm going to finish Love and Care by Shaun Deeney today which has been a brilliant memoir of a son taking care of his mother. It really makes you think about life, death, and familial love. I'm also reading The Heart's Invisible Furies by John Boyne which I'm loving. The characters are so skilfully drawn they feel completely real, although you might wish some of them didn't! Unusually for me, I've got a third book on the go too - When Will You Get A Real Job? by Elin Petronella, a fascinating case study of her and her (now) husband's first year as creative entrepreneurs.

What did you recently finish reading?

My most recent read was Jaipur Journals by Namita Gokhale, a book with an entertaining array of characters that all converge on the Jaipur Literature Festival, sometimes with some very dramatic results.

What do you think you'll read next?

I was meant to be taking part in a readalong of Hallie Rubenhold's The Five this month but as my copy hasn't arrived at the library it's looking unlikely that I'll be able to join in. I look forward to picking it up eventually though as it looks fascinating. Otherwise, my next read will be Love and Miss Harris which promises some lighthearted fun.

Jaipur Journals, Namita Gokhale

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This post is part of the blog tour for the book. Thanks to Random Things Tours and HopeRoad Publishing for providing me with a free copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.

We meet Rudrani Rana on her way to Jaipur Literature Festival, carrying two bags with her, one of which contains a precious manuscript of her as yet unsubmitted novel that she’s never quite managed to bring herself to let go of. Also on the train is a promising young writer named Anura who is scheduled to talk at the festival. Once in the hustle and bustle of the festival itself we meet an array of other characters at various points in their creative journeys, and all harbouring secrets ranging from affairs to burglary, or poison pen letters in the case of Rudrani.

Gokhale’s decision to give Rudrani a spiteful side is an interesting one. Many readers will relate to her struggles with writing and editing her novel, of a reluctance to put her life’s work in the hands of strangers, yet her cruelty when hiding behind a pen and paper causes us to question her morals. We see the devastating effect her little notes can cause their recipients and in snippets from her childhood see where her unpleasant habit began, how she's always enjoyed tripping others up to reveal their weaknesses. On the first day of the festival she meets Anirban while he is people watching, capturing likenesses in drawing. They feel an instant affinity to each other, both obscuring parts of their creative outputs from the world. He is able to see the pain at the root of her behaviour and through his eyes we’re able to see a softer side to her.

From their first introduction we get a good sense of where the characters are coming from and what they’re like, although Gokhale throws in some curveballs to challenge assumptions. Each story arc is interesting but I did find myself getting a bit lost from time to time trying to keep up with who everyone was. Rudrani is at the centre of the novel but is absent for large parts of it. Each character’s story subtly interacts with another, and by the end we see the profound effect that the interactions and chance encounters have had on all their lives.

This is an enjoyable book that brings to life the colour and energy of the famous Jaipur Literature Festival which might just be the cure we need to the absence of in-person events over the past year.

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